What kind of sorcery is this?! I didn't know this blog still exists. :D I believed it already vanished. It's been 7 loooong years since my very first blog, basically when i was 17 years old!
Haha! I was literally smiling wistfully while reading all my old posts, and laughed at some. I honestly couldn't recall most of the memories mentioned and that made them more joyful to read. :D I felt a dopamine rush into my brain as i tried to look back on them. What a pleasant remembrance after all. I sounded a typical 17 year old who's unsure of herself and on others, trying to reach out courage from someone else's validation and figuring out how this thing called life works on her own clumsy and sensitive hands. I am not even sure to which of my age i said it for since i guess i am much more in crisis now as a 25 year old anyway. :D
Actually, to make the idea of this a bit mature, naks! :D I like how my subtle thoughts and shallow whines as a teenager have become deeper as i reached 20s. I have gone through enough challenges over time from inter and intra personal relationships to conclude that i am now a better version of myself. I know i am still in crossroads in life, you know, i have made bunch of wrong decisions and struggled with regrets before, that i almost thought i was done with life anymore, but here i am, typing about it thus far made sense that whatever bullshit happens now won't matter in the next 5 years. Life is not always easy, as cliche as it sounds but indeed true. In fact, I may surely regret some of the decisions i made recently, :D but, im not bothered yet, im enjoying the ride anyway. We're just humans, we're not always at our best all the time. We may get caught by too much problems often times but it's how we perceive the situation right? It will still depends on how we look at it. You can choose either to get upset about it or just look at the more positive side. You know, it's us who have to maneuver where it goes anyway 'cause life is what we make it right? :)
That brings me to the idea when i thought life was already too damn difficult when i was 17 years old, when i was too stupid throwing tantrums to my parents because of extremely petty issues. I confess, i was an unreasonable selfish bitch to my parents. I was not a rebel, never, but i know i tortured them emotionally somehow. I answered them back and said words that deeply hurt them. Spent more time with friends than with them and abused their trust. Yes. Awfully. You know why? Cause i thought life had been unfair to me, believing that it all started at home that's why i chose to bring despair to them from being inexpressive and distant. But, bitch, now it's haunting me because every time i look back on that, i know there is no way i could ever make those words forgotten.
However, there's a light to that, cause i know i can make them feel loved and appreciated now. I know i am making them feel it though i am obviously miles away from them and the only way i can ever possibly do to show i care is to provide them financially. They send me pictures online when they have quality time together and that makes me feel I'm with them at least. Gosh. Although, i believe there is no amount of money can ever reciprocate the bond of the family if they're together. You know what, i kinda think being away helped me strengthen my sense of attachment to them somehow because when i came back and stay in the Philippines for 3mos after 1 and a half year in Singapore. I barely get out of the house thats why most of the time im with them, at home. And you know what, those moments were the most special to me that i would never trade for anything in this world. Anyway, no petty disputes anymore. :D
Apparently, im already talking too much.. Pardon me. Haha!
I don't know which direction this blog is going to but in view of this kind of nostalgic reflection, i just wanna say to my 17 year old me, thank you for the subtle thoughts and shallow whines, through them i learned to weigh what matters most and not. Moreover, for the spontaneous rides of uncertainty that gives me extreme craving to explore and to your sensitive self which made me more vigilant now to whom i give my energy to and thank you for your deep desire for self-awareness that has led me to find ways to improve myself now.
Now, to my 25 year old me, clearly then, there is so much to life than worrying about petty issues and someone else's validation. Doubtlessly, you can find happiness simply at home, with your family while enjoying delicious lunch consists of yummy sinigang sa baboy (pork in tamarind broth) sa mainit na kanin samahan pa ng panonood ng Eat Bulaga, diba? :) combined with hot cooked white rice while watching Eat Bulaga (my family's favorite noon time show)
I am not very sure if i made sense and organized my thoughts in such a less annoying manner since im already feeling sleepy. My mind had already wasted enough neurons from work earlier to knock more sense to what i would say more about this so maybe i better stop :D However, I'm pretty sure i will be tackling my current issues one by one soon here.
It's so nice to be back here!
Angie :)
